Educational and reflective resource. You can use this resource independently or discuss it with a practitioner. It does not provide an individual assessment or establish a therapy relationship.
- For
- Everyone: on your own, or with a client
- Time
- About 15 minutes per sheet
- Format
- Framework and two one-page worksheets
- Prints
- Yes, as the whole page
- Evidence
- This site’s own framework; not validated
Two printable sheets: your one-page sheet, straight after “Try it yourself”, is for anyone using this on their own. The therapist worksheet, after the section for therapists, is for after a session or supervision.
Mine. Yours.
Ours. System.
A simple way of asking: where is the difficulty actually living?
When something hurts, overwhelms, or keeps happening, psychotherapy often asks: what’s happening inside you? That can be an enormously useful question. But it’s not the only one. Sometimes something belongs partly to our own history. Sometimes another person is contributing. Sometimes a pattern is happening between two people. Sometimes the environment, service, institution or wider culture is creating the difficulty. And sometimes all four are involved.
Mine. Yours. Ours. System. is a simple reflection and formulation framework for keeping those possibilities open. It asks: what are we actually looking at?
The short version
When something hurts or keeps happening, it helps to ask where the difficulty is actually living. Part of it may belong to your own history (Mine), part to another person (Yours), part to the pattern between you (Ours), and part to a service, building or culture (System). Often it’s more than one. The important distinction: describing what happened isn’t the same as interpreting it. “They sighed” is an observation; “they think I’m a burden” is already a meaning. Next step: pick one recent situation, write down plainly what happened, then try the one-page sheet. The categories overlap, and getting one “wrong” is part of the thinking, not a failure.
Start with
what actually happened.
Before deciding where something belongs, begin as plainly as possible. What happened? What was said? What was done? What do I actually know? What am I assuming? What did I feel? What did my body do? What meaning did I immediately make of it?
This matters because description and interpretation are not the same thing. “I asked for help and they sighed” is an observation. “They think I am a burden” is already an interpretation.
The interpretation may be right. But it’s worth noticing the difference.
The
four places.
What’s happening within me?
My emotions, memories, beliefs, fears, needs, defences, expectations, choices, or patterns developed over time.
“I find asking for help humiliating.” There may be something Mine here: perhaps I learned needing people made me difficult, perhaps I fear rejection, perhaps dependence touches an older experience.
Mine does not mean “it’s all my fault.” It means there may be something inside my own experience worth understanding.
What is the other person bringing?
Another person’s behaviour, expectations, assumptions, discomfort, prejudice, fear, needs, or way of responding.
“Every time I ask for help, they become visibly irritated.” Something may genuinely belong to the other person. But Yours doesn’t mean automatically knowing what’s happening inside them.
Another person’s inner world should remain a hypothesis unless actually known. This framework should reduce interpretive certainty, not simply relocate it.
What’s happening between us?
The relational part. Sometimes neither person’s individual psychology explains the whole problem, something is being created in the interaction: trust, misunderstanding, conflict, dependency, care, power, rescue, withdrawal, attachment, rupture, repair, or a shared cycle.
Fear of being a burden leads to not asking directly. Noticing the struggle leads to helping without asking. That help is experienced as controlling. Irritability follows. Anxiety increases, and more help follows. Neither person created the whole cycle alone.
The pattern lives between them. That’s Ours.
What’s happening around us?
Access, healthcare, money, transport, employment, housing, care provision, benefits, education, policy, bureaucracy, services, culture, or ableism.
Two family members fighting constantly about care. Underneath the conflict: no personal-assistance hours, no respite, inaccessible transport, one person expected to provide support that should be properly resourced elsewhere.
The emotional conflict is real. So is the system around it.
The categories are
not sealed boxes.
This may be the most important part of the framework. Something can begin in one place and later live somewhere else.
A note on “Ours”. Across this site, Ours always means what is happening between people: a pattern in a relationship, including the one between client and therapist. Some difficulties are simply part of being human, such as vulnerability, uncertainty or living in a changing body. Those are not a separate box. They can run through all four.
Ours doesn’t mean equal blame. Where there is coercion, discrimination or abuse, responsibility sits with the person causing harm.
Repeatedly encountering inaccessible environments may eventually become “I am difficult for needing things.” A structural experience has become personal shame.
Somebody repeatedly treats me as incapable. Eventually: “maybe I really am incapable.” Their message has become part of my internal world.
Expecting rejection means not saying what I need. Confusion follows about why I’m upset. A relational pattern develops.
Not enough formal care. A partner becomes the only available helper. One person becomes exhausted. The other feels guilty for needing support. The relationship turns tense. The system has entered the relationship.
Where something began and where it’s living now may not be the same place.
When might this
framework help?
Fictional examples. These statements were written by this site. They are not quotes from real people.
The framework asks whether everything really belongs in Mine.
Both deserve consideration.
That may be an Ours problem.
Check all four.
That may be a System question.
Pause. What might be missing?
The same feeling can need
a completely different response.
Take “I feel powerless.” If the difficulty is mainly Mine, therapy may explore earlier experiences of helplessness, fear or self-belief. If something important is Yours, the work may involve recognising how another person is behaving. If largely Ours, therapy may explore the power dynamic inside a specific relationship. If mainly System, the useful response might involve advocacy, information, access, legal rights or structural change.
Same feeling. Different formulation. Different intervention. A formulation matters because it changes what happens next.
How to use
Mine, Yours, Ours, System.
Quick version: four steps
- Describe it. What happened, before any explanation?
- Locate it across the four places. Check Mine, Yours, Ours and System, and keep the body in view in each.
- Decide what belongs where, and who can act. Ask the person what they think, and notice anything that has moved.
- Act and review. Match the response to what you found, then check later whether it helped. See What happens next?
For more detail, see the full six steps below.
Describe
What actually happened? Try to separate fact from explanation.
Notice your first pull
Where do you instinctively locate the problem? Inside yourself? The other person? The relationship? The wider world? Notice that before deciding it’s correct.
Check all four
Mine? Yours? Ours? System? No need for something in every box. The point is keeping every possibility available long enough to consider it.
Keep the body in view. In every box, ask about physical realities: pain, fatigue, sensory demands, medication and fluctuating capacity. They are part of what happened, not a fifth category, and they are easily lost between the other four.
Ask rather than assume
What does the person themselves understand to be happening? If a therapist: what would your client say the problem is? Where do they locate it? What might they think you’re missing?
Look for movement
Has something systemic become shame? Has another’s reaction become something now believed about myself? Has fear created a cycle between us? Has a relationship problem been made worse by lack of resources?
Match the response to the formulation
Does this need understanding, feeling, repair, a boundary, grief, rest, practical adaptation, advocacy, information, a conversation, structural change, or simply to be witnessed accurately?
The point is not identifying the “correct box.” The point is finding a response that fits what’s actually happening.
Worked
example.
Fictional examples. This worked example describes no real person.
Somebody says: “I hate needing my PA to shower me.” Easy to conclude: “difficulty accepting dependence.” Maybe. But it’s worth looking more carefully.
The emotional experience cannot be understood properly without that context.
Two more
worked examples.
Fictional teaching examples. Written by this site. They describe no real person.
Example 1: missed sessions
A client with a fluctuating condition has missed four of her last ten sessions. Each time she cancels on the morning.
What changed because of the tool: They agree a flexible policy for flare days and an online option, and review it after six weeks. Missed sessions are no longer read as a lack of commitment.
Example 2: a standing exercise
On a counselling course, a trainee asks quietly for an alternative to a standing exercise.
What changed because of the tool: A seated version is now offered to the whole group by default, so nobody has to ask or explain.
Three quick
examples.
Fictional examples. Written by this site for teaching.
“I cancel therapy when I’m exhausted.”
Mine: Is there fear or avoidance too? Yours: Has the therapist communicated frustration or judgement? Ours: A cycle of expecting criticism meeting increasing rigidity? System: Does the cancellation policy fail to account for fluctuating disability?
“I hate asking my partner for help.”
Mine: Shame, guilt or fear of dependence. Yours: Visible resentment when helping. Ours: A pattern of indirect asking followed by resentment. System: No funded assistance means a partner has become the only practical option.
“My therapist says I’m avoiding exercise.”
Mine: Perhaps genuine fear. Yours: Perhaps assumptions about exercise, health or motivation. Ours: Disagreement about the body has begun damaging trust. System: Perhaps the recommended environment or programme is inaccessible.
The purpose is not to fill every box. It’s to keep every box available long enough to ask.
Try it
yourself.
Think of one situation that’s bothering you.
Keep the body in view. Are pain, fatigue, sleep, medication effects, sensory demands, movement, or communication effort relevant here? You can include these wherever they matter, in any of the four places. You don’t need to be sure what caused what, and you don’t need to write down anything medical.
- What happened? Stick to what’s known first.
- What did I feel? Emotions, body sensations, thoughts, urges.
- What did I immediately assume it meant? What story arrived first?
- Mine: what from my own history, fears, needs, beliefs or patterns might be present?
- Yours: what did the other person actually say or do? What am I only guessing?
- Ours: what happened between us? Is there a repeating cycle?
- System: what wider rules, services, barriers, resources, attitudes or power structures might matter?
- Movement: has something begun in one place and ended up somewhere else?
- Body check: before choosing a response, has anything about your body or energy shaped this situation, or would it shape what you can do next?
- Response: what needs understanding, feeling, saying, changing, or support? And what isn’t actually mine to solve?
What happens
next?
Mapping a situation is not the end point. It’s a way of choosing one proportionate next step. You don’t need to solve the whole situation, and you don’t need to act on everything you found.
- Choose the one thing that matters most right now. Not the biggest problem in the world. The one that is most pressing for you.
- Separate what you can do from what needs someone else. Some steps need another person’s agreement, authority, time or money. Naming that is useful in itself.
- Decide whether you need to understand more first. Sometimes the next step is a question, more information, or simply waiting to see.
- Pick one next step, or none. “No action for now” is a reasonable choice if it’s what you’ve decided, not just what’s left when you run out of energy.
- Agree who will do what, what support is needed, and when you’ll look back at it.
Before you choose: check the body again. A step that looks sensible on paper may cost more energy, pain or effort than it’s worth this week. That is a real factor, not an excuse.
Each category doesn’t come with a standard answer. A “System” problem may still have a small step you can take today, and a “Mine” problem may need support from someone else.
| What needs attention? | Possible next step | Who can act? | Support or permission needed | When to review |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| A session arrangement is exhausting | Discuss a different length or a break | Client and therapist | Agreement about practical arrangements | After trying the change |
| Transport repeatedly prevents attendance | Explore available alternatives | The relevant people or service | Transport options, funding, or service flexibility | An agreed date |
| The meaning of an interaction is still unclear | Ask a question, or revisit it later | The person chooses whether to | A suitable opportunity | When useful |
A completed fictional example
Fictional example
Orla uses a wheelchair. She has missed two monthly peer-support meetings because the lift at the venue was out of order. The second time, the organiser sighed on the phone. Orla mapped it:
- Mine: a fear of being seen as unreliable.
- Yours: the organiser sighed. Orla doesn’t know what the sigh meant.
- Ours: Orla has stopped asking for things, and the organiser hasn’t offered.
- System: a broken lift, and no online option.
- Body: the long route around to the back entrance leaves her exhausted before the meeting starts.
The most pressing thing is next month’s meeting. She decides to leave the meaning of the sigh for now.
| What needs attention? | Possible next step | Who can act? | Support or permission needed | When to review |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Getting to next month’s meeting | Email the organiser to ask for an online option | Orla asks; the organiser decides | The organiser’s agreement, and a laptop set-up at the venue | After the next meeting |
| What the sigh meant | No action for now | Orla, if she chooses to | None | If it comes up again |
Looking back: review questions
- Did the action happen?
- Did it help with the problem it was meant to help with?
- What did it cost, in effort, money, or discomfort?
- Did anything become harder?
- What should continue, change, or stop?
When Orla looked back: the organiser agreed to an online link. Joining from home helped, though the sound was poor. Writing the email took most of an evening, and she felt anxious waiting for the reply. Nothing became harder. She decided to ask whether an online link could be offered every month, not only when the lift is broken.
Orla is fictional. This example is teaching material, not a real person’s story.
Your one-page sheet
For one situation that’s bothering you. No therapist needed. Write as much or as little as you like, and stop whenever you’ve had enough.
- What happened? Just what you know, before any explanation.
- What did I feel, and what did my body do?
- What story arrived first? What did I assume it meant?
- Where might some of the weight sit? Not every box needs something in it.Keep the body in view. Pain, fatigue, sleep, medication effects, sensory demands, movement or communication effort can belong in any box. Include them wherever they matter. You don’t need to explain causes.Mine
my history, fears, needsYours
what they actually said or didOurs
a cycle between usSystem
access, services, money, rules - Has anything moved? Did something from outside become something I now believe about myself?
- What would help? Understanding, rest, a conversation, a boundary, practical change, support?
- What isn’t mine to solve?
What happens next?
One step is enough. “No action for now” and “understand more first” are both fine answers.
- The one thing that matters most right now:
- My next step: Or: no action for now, or find out more first.
- Who can act? Me, someone else, or both.
- What support or permission is needed?
- Has my body or energy changed what’s realistic?
- When will I look back at this?
When you look back: Did it happen? Did it help? What did it cost? Did anything get harder? What should continue, change, or stop?
To keep a copy, use your browser’s print option and choose “Save as PDF”. If you’re in therapy, you can bring it to a session, or keep it to yourself. Both are fine. More tools like this: Tools & Cases.
If you’re using this
as a therapist.
Mine / Yours / Ours / System can be used as a formulation prompt, but it should not become another way of deciding what a client means without them.
- What happened? What is the client’s account?
- My first formulation: where am I locating the difficulty, and why?
- Evidence supporting that formulation. Evidence against it.
- Mine: what personal psychological material may matter?
- Yours: what might another person be contributing? Am I inferring motives I can’t actually know?
- Ours: what relational cycle may be happening, including between the client and me?
- System: what structural, cultural, economic or access issues matter?
- What might the client say I’m missing?
What changes if the difficulty is located somewhere else? A different intervention? Stop interpreting? A different question? Practical support instead of insight? Advocacy rather than further exploration?
For therapists: a one-page worksheet,
between sessions.
For use after a session, or to bring to supervision. It isn’t a diagnostic tool: it’s a way of slowing down before settling on an explanation. To print it, use your browser’s print option.
- What happened, in the client’s own words?
- What is my first interpretation?
- What supports it, and what challenges it?
- What might belong to each of the four places?MineYoursOursSystem
- What does the client think I am missing?
- What will we do differently, and when will we review it?
Like the framework itself, this worksheet is a reflective tool, not a validated measure.
What if we get
the category wrong?
We probably will, sometimes. This isn’t a machine for discovering objective truth. It’s a way of slowing down formulation. New information can change understanding. A therapist may realise something understood as resistance was fatigue. A client may realise something thought entirely systemic also carries personal grief. A relationship problem may reveal an external pressure neither person had named. A person may disagree with the therapist’s formulation. That disagreement matters.
The aim is not correct classification. It is better curiosity.
What this framework
is not.
Not a diagnostic tool. Not a psychological test. It does not produce a score. It does not decide who is right. It should not be used to determine another person’s motives. And it is not an argument that psychological explanations are bad.
Sometimes psychological work is exactly what’s needed. The problem comes when that’s decided before considering everything else.
Ideas around
the framework.
Mine / Yours / Ours / System is a Disability in Psychotherapy reflective formulation heuristic. It has not been psychometrically validated and should not be treated as an assessment instrument.
Its questions sit alongside several wider traditions: psychological formulation, relational psychotherapy, systemic thinking, the social model of disability, social-relational understandings of disability, work on psycho-emotional disablism, and questions of epistemic authority, including whose knowledge gets trusted when professional interpretation and lived experience disagree.
The purpose of MYOS is not to replace those traditions. It is to put one practical question underneath them: where is the weight sitting, and what changes when it’s located differently?
Why this framework
was needed.
Psychological explanations can be enormously illuminating. They can also become seductive. Once there’s a theory for something, it becomes very easy to stop looking. Disability repeatedly complicates that certainty.
A feeling can contain personal history and still be a reasonable response to something happening now. A body can carry psychological meaning and still have a physical reality that needs no interpretation. A difficult relationship can contain two people’s psychology and still be made much worse by the system around them.
I wanted a simple way of keeping all of those possibilities open long enough to ask better questions.
The purpose is not to ask which box is correct. It’s to ask: what becomes easier to understand when we stop assuming the problem lives in only one place? Sometimes the work is inside me. Sometimes something belongs to you. Sometimes it’s being created between us. Sometimes the world around us needs to change. And very often, more than one thing is true.
Explore
next.
Clinical Ableism Checklist
Check one client’s formulation for disability read as pathology.
Disability & Psychotherapy
Explore how psychological and social explanations interact.
Internalised Ableism
What happens when something from the outside becomes something carried inside.
Dependency & Interdependence
Explore autonomy, assistance, care and relationships.
Accessibility & Therapy
When the environment around therapy becomes part of the clinical picture.
Applying the approach to everyday life
One situation where this framework can be useful is when a practical difficulty creates frustration between people. It helps to ask what belongs to my own feelings and responsibilities, what belongs to someone else, what we need to negotiate together and whether an external barrier is contributing to the problem. This can prevent every difficulty from becoming a personal failing or a relationship conflict.
Casey Donaghey is the psychotherapist behind this site and lives with cerebral palsy.
Through a humanistic lens
- Humanistic Therapy & Disability – what changes when access, ableism and material reality enter the room.
- Being Seen vs Being Supported – the difference between understanding and practical change.
- Gestalt Therapy – a theory that reads the person and their environment as one field.
Part of the Humanistic Psychotherapy hub.
The client statements, the personal-assistant worked example and the quick examples are fictional teaching examples. None of them describes a real person.
Mine, Yours, Ours, System is this site’s own tool and hasn’t been formally tested. It brings together three established traditions. One key source for each:
- Psychological formulation: Johnstone, L., & Dallos, R. (Eds.) (2014). Formulation in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Making Sense of People’s Problems (2nd ed.). Routledge.
- Systemic thinking: Dallos, R., & Draper, R. (2015). An Introduction to Family Therapy: Systemic Theory and Practice (4th ed.). Open University Press.
- The social model of disability: Oliver, M. (1990). The Politics of Disablement. Macmillan.
For every source cited on the site, see Sources and Bibliography.
Mine, Yours, Ours, System is this site’s own tool, not a validated measure. It sits alongside other frameworks that also refuse to locate distress only inside the person:
- Power Threat Meaning Framework: Johnstone, L., & Boyle, M. (2018). The Power Threat Meaning Framework. British Psychological Society. Asks “what has happened to you?” rather than “what is wrong with you?”
- Ecological systems: Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The Ecology of Human Development. Harvard University Press. Nested layers around a person, from close relationships to wider society.
- Biopsychosocial model: Engel, G. L. (1977). The need for a new medical model. Science, 196(4286), 129–136.
For every source cited on the site, see Sources and Bibliography.