Support Without Taking Over

← Carer Guide
For
A disabled person, or someone living with a long-term condition, and the person who supports them, together
Time
20–30 minutes, in one go or in parts
Format
Six-step worksheet
Prints
Yes, the worksheet only
Evidence
This site’s own tool, based on supported decision-making

Printable worksheet · Six steps

Support without taking over

A worksheet to fill in together. One of you is disabled or living with a long-term condition. The other gives support: a partner, parent, adult child, friend or paid supporter. You look at one area of life at a time, such as mornings, money or appointments.

The person being supported leads. Their answers come first. The supporter’s limits go on the sheet too, because they are real.

Who decides? The person being supported decides what they want and what help they choose. The supporter’s limits (step 5) show where other help may be needed. They are not a veto. If you can’t agree, it goes in step 6. It doesn’t get written over step 2.

Our sheet · Date: ________

  1. Pick one area. Small is fine. “Getting ready in the morning” works better than “everything”.
  2. What I want to do myself. Written by, or in the words of, the person being supported. It counts even if it takes longer or is done differently.
  3. What help I choose. What help, when, and from whom.
  4. How I want help done. Tick what fits, and add your own.
  5. What the supporter can and can’t do. Times, tasks or limits that are real for the supporter. For example, work hours, their own health, or tasks they find too hard.
  6. When we disagree. Sort the disagreement into four parts before deciding what to do.
    Mine (supporter)What I feel and need. For example, fear, tiredness.
    Yours (the person supported)What you feel and want. For example, choice, privacy.
    OursThe pattern that keeps happening between us. Not a share of blame.
    SystemWhat’s missing around us. For example, equipment, other help, time.

    What we’ll do when we disagree:

We’ll look at this again on: ____________   Or sooner if: ____________

This sheet is not a legal document. If there is serious, immediate danger, or a real question about capacity or safeguarding, get advice. Respecting someone’s choices does not mean ignoring real risk. Risk alone does not take away their right to choose.

To keep a copy, use your browser’s print option and choose “Save as PDF”. Fill it in on paper or on screen.

Making it work for you

Other ways to use it

Spoken

One person reads the questions aloud. The supporter writes down the other person’s own words, then reads them back to check. A voice note works too.

Typed or AAC

Fill it in on screen, in a shared document or by message, one step at a time. Allow as long as it takes. Nobody finishes the other person’s sentences.

Low energy

Do one step a day. Steps 2 and 3 matter most. Ticks only is fine. Either of you can stop at any point.

A worked example

Fictional teaching example

Rhian lives with multiple sclerosis. Her partner, Tom, helps most mornings. They pick “getting ready in the morning”.

  • Myself: Rhian chooses her clothes and does her own make-up, even when it takes 40 minutes.
  • Help I choose: help getting in and out of the shower, and with socks and shoes.
  • How: ask before helping; no comments about time; “pause” means stop.
  • Supporter’s limits: Tom leaves for work at 8:15 on three days.
  • Disagreeing: they argue about Rhian showering alone on bad days. Mine: Tom is scared she will fall. Yours: Rhian hates being watched. Ours: Tom hovers, Rhian rushes, both get tense. System: no shower seat, and no other help on early mornings.
  • What they agree: Rhian decides. On bad days Tom waits outside with the door open a little. They ask about a shower seat and a home assessment. They look again in four weeks.

Related

Where this comes from

  • The UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities says disabled people have legal capacity on an equal basis with others. Article 12(3) says states must give access to the support people may need to use it. The UN committee’s General Comment No. 1 explains this as supported decision-making, in place of others deciding for the person.
    United Nations (2006). Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities, Article 12. un.org: Article 12. Committee on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities (2014). General Comment No. 1: Article 12, Equal recognition before the law (CRPD/C/GC/1).
  • A practice framework for supporting decisions. It is guided by the person’s will and preferences. It includes knowing the person, naming the decision, weighing real constraints, and getting outside help when there is conflict.
    Douglas, J., & Bigby, C. (2020). Development of an evidence-based practice framework to guide decision making support for people with cognitive impairment due to acquired brain injury or intellectual disability. Disability and Rehabilitation, 42(3). doi.org/10.1080/09638288.2018.1498546
  • In England and Wales, a person is assumed to have capacity. They must be given all practicable help to decide before anyone treats them as unable to. An unwise decision is not, by itself, a sign of lacking capacity.
    Mental Capacity Act 2005, section 1. legislation.gov.uk
  • In Ireland, this law came fully into force on 26 April 2023. It sets out formal ways to support a person’s own decisions, such as a decision-making assistant.
    Assisted Decision-Making (Capacity) Act 2015. irishstatutebook.ie

Summaries are this site’s own wording. The worksheet itself is this site’s own. It hasn’t been tested.

Last reviewed: October 2026.

How to cite this page: Donaghey, C. (2026). Support Without Taking Over. Disability in Psychotherapy. Available at: https://disabilityinpsychotherapy.online/carer-guide/support-without-taking-over/ (Accessed: [date]).

Shared under CC BY-NC 4.0, with an extra permission to teach from it on fee-paying courses. Credit the site. See Reusing This Material.