Exercise 02 · Full guide · Self-blame
Whose Job Is It?
Some of what you’re carrying was never yours to carry.
A sorting exercise that separates what genuinely belongs to the client from what belongs to other people, services or systems. It is aimed at the habit, learned over years, of turning every barrier into a personal failing.
1Why this exercise exists
Disabled people are often handed jobs that aren’t theirs: chasing services, educating professionals, managing other people’s discomfort, making inaccessible places work. Over time it can stop feeling like extra work and start feeling like personal responsibility. When it goes wrong, the conclusion is “I’ve failed”, not “the system failed”.
That pattern has a name in disability studies: internalised ableism. It is what happens when a culture’s assumptions about disability are absorbed and then turned on yourself.
Therapy can reinforce it without meaning to, by treating every difficulty as something for the client to work on. This exercise gives both people a way to stop and ask, for each item: is this actually the client’s job?
The point isn’t to move everything out of “Mine”. Some things genuinely are the client’s, and owning them can be freeing. The point is accuracy.
2The thinking behind it
Internalised ableism
Fiona Kumari Campbell describes ableism as a whole way of seeing the world in which the non-disabled body is the norm and disability is a lack. Absorbed from childhood, that view can show up as self-blame, over-apologising, or the sense of being a burden. Donna Reeve’s work on psycho-emotional disablism describes how other people’s reactions and barriers can damage a disabled person’s sense of self, sometimes more than the impairment does.
The social model
The UK social model of disability, set out by Michael Oliver and others, separates impairment from disability: the second is created by barriers in the environment, in services and in attitudes. Whose Job Is It? turns that idea into a practical sort. A missing ramp lands in “Theirs”, not “Mine”.
A cousin from CBT
CBT has a related technique, the responsibility pie, used when a person blames themselves entirely for something with many causes. They list everyone and everything that contributed, then divide the pie. This exercise works the same way, but adds the system as a named contributor and asks what to do with each share.
How it relates to Mine, Yours, Ours, System
This is the quick, three-pile version of the site’s Mine, Yours, Ours, System framework. “Theirs” combines Yours and System; “Shared” is close to Ours. Use the fuller framework when you need to understand a pattern; use this when the client needs to put something down.
3What it looks like in a session
Fictional example Tomás, 46, uses a wheelchair and has just started a new job. He says he is exhausted and “bad at boundaries”.
I spent my whole first week sorting things out. The desk was wrong, the accessible loo was used as a store room, IT couldn’t set up my voice software. I should have been better organised.
Can we put each of those on a card and sort them? Which of these were your job?
Well… the software I had to chase, but setting it up isn’t my job. The toilet definitely isn’t. The desk… I suppose that’s facilities.
So what’s left in “Mine”?
Telling them what I need. That’s about it.
And you did that, in your first week, while doing the job you were hired for.
Tomás moves from “bad at boundaries” to a clearer picture: his employer has a legal duty to make reasonable adjustments. The work becomes how to hand those jobs back, and what it has cost him to carry them.
4How to run it
Ask first, and agree a time limit. Remind the client they can stop at any point, shorten it, or take the rest home.
- 3 minutes
List the problems
Write each current difficulty on its own card or line: a step-free entrance that isn’t there, a partner’s frustration, a missed deadline, a form that keeps coming back.
“What’s on your plate at the moment, big or small?”
Why: Separate cards make it physically possible to move things, which matters for this exercise.
- 5 minutes
Sort into three piles
Mine: within my reach and genuinely my responsibility. Theirs: belongs to a person, service or system (employer, landlord, NHS or HSE, a venue). Shared: needs negotiation.
“If no one was watching, where would this one really go?”
Why: Let the client sort first. Offer your view only if asked, and as a question.
- 3–5 minutes
Notice the overflow
Which “Theirs” items have you been carrying as “Mine”? What has that cost: time, energy, money, relationships?
“Which card surprised you?”
Why: The overflow is usually where the guilt and exhaustion live.
- 3–5 minutes
Decide an action per pile
Mine: one small step. Theirs: hand back, request, complain, or consciously let go. Shared: one conversation to start.
“What’s the smallest thing you could hand back this week?”
Why: One action per pile keeps it realistic.
Reflection prompts
- Where did you learn that this was your job?
- What would it feel like to put one item down?
- Who else could help with the Shared pile?
5Adapting it
| If… | Try |
|---|---|
| Energy is low | Sort three items only. Or just ask “Mine or not mine?” for one thing. |
| Speaking is hard | Use pre-written cards the client can point to or drag in a shared document. |
| The client is a carer’s child, or very young | Use simpler piles: “mine”, “a grown-up’s job”, “we do it together”. |
| Online sessions | Use a shared whiteboard with three columns, or the chat box. |
| Groups | Sort common situations together. Seeing others put the same card in “Theirs” is powerful. |
| The client is in a care relationship | Spend longer on Shared. Name the risks of handing things back before deciding. |
6Through different approaches
The exercise sits inside most ways of working. What changes is what you do with what comes up.
CBT
Work with the belief “it’s my responsibility to make things work”. Use the sort as evidence, like a responsibility pie.
“What percentage of this was really yours?”
Person-centred
Stay with what it feels like to see how much has been carried, before moving to action.
“What’s it like to see that pile?”
Psychodynamic
Notice early patterns of over-responsibility: being the child who didn’t make a fuss, or who looked after a parent.
“When did you first learn to carry things for other people?”
Pluralistic
Agree what the client wants: understanding, a plan, or permission to stop. Choose methods to match.
“What would help most with this today?”
Systemic
Map who in the family or workplace holds which jobs, and who benefits from the current arrangement.
“Who would notice if you stopped doing this?”
Advocacy-focused
Turn “Theirs” items into requests, complaints or rights-based conversations, with support.
“Who has the duty to fix this, and how do we tell them?”
7Signs it’s helping, and when to hold back
Signs it’s helping
- Less “I should have…”, more “that wasn’t mine”.
- At least one item handed back, delegated or let go.
- The client can name the cost of carrying things for others.
- Anger at a system replaces some of the shame at the self.
- Shared items become real conversations.
When to hold back
- Don’t push hand-back where it puts the client at risk, for example in care relationships, housing or employment.
- Sometimes carrying it is a survival choice. Name that with respect.
- Don’t sort for the client. Your piles may not match theirs.
- Don’t move everything to “Theirs” to make them feel better. Accuracy helps more.
8Printable worksheet
Whose job is it? · Date: __________
What’s on my plate right now
Sort each item into a pile
What I’ve been carrying that isn’t mine, and what it costs me
One action: something I’ll do, hand back, ask about, or let go
9Evidence & sources
- Established conceptCampbell, F. K. (2009). Contours of Ableism: The Production of Disability and Abledness. Palgrave Macmillan.
- Research findingReeve, D. (2002). Negotiating psycho-emotional dimensions of disability and their influence on identity constructions. Disability & Society, 17(5), 493–508.
- Established conceptOliver, M. (1990). The Politics of Disablement. Macmillan.
- Established conceptGreenberger, D., & Padesky, C. A. (2016). Mind Over Mood (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. (The responsibility pie.)
- Our frameworkWhose Job Is It? and Mine, Yours, Ours, System are this site’s own tools, not validated measures.
- Not yet knownThis sort hasn’t been tested as an intervention. Use it as a reflective tool.
Related: Mine, Yours, Ours, System · Internalised Ableism · Self-Advocacy Scripts · All eleven exercises